Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
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Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.