One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
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5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”