rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
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Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
6 YEAR OLD: how hard do you have to punch someone in the butt to make it fall off?
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.