rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
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A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women