Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
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If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.