My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
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“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
How high do the levels go?
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Yes, this is exactly right
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”