“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
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My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.