@Kryzazy

Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl

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@kelkulus

Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.

@WilliamAder

Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.

@KizerBillhelm

Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.

@DannyZuker

Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF

@hyperblastchic

Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips

-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat

@DontTouchMyWine

If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.

@kylekinane

Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.

@Thateverydayguy

The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus