Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
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[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Natty or not?
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?