Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
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Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.