Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
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“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
also bring a xylophone to highlight the sound of your exaggerated tiptoes
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Hell hath no fury like a sports bra being applied to a just showered but not 100% dry body.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
i’m so confused by this landlord’s request for “proof of employment” after I’ve sent him multiple W2s, pay stubs, and bank statements. does he want my github
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.