Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl

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Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.


Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.


Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.


Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF


Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips

-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat


If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.


Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.


The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus