[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
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What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog