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My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Would you wear it?
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?