Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
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Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
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My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.