Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.

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When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.


Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.


Why are you wearing that outfit again?

Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine


As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God


My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.


Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.


Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”


*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*

**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**