Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What?”
– Jude

NASA: The moon is wobbling.

Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same

a lot to unpack here

Why do the French eat snails?

Because they don’t like fast food.

I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.

If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister

The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.

Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?

Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.

[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]

Green leader: Area secured. Over

Me: Apple Turn. Over

GL: Wha

Me: Extreme make. Over

GL: Take that guy out too

A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow

Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.

I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half

Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?

my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.

*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT

If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.

In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties

My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.

Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.

Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.

[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]

Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!

you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*

me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*

[morning]

her: did you dream about me?

me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?

her: umm no

me: then no

There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.

the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined

I’ve had worse

Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.

omg leave her alone

I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!