Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
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I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
me, after any kind of buffet.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?