@atthecubicle

Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.

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@thedailymarker

When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.

@Gorrdano

Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.

@DreamsSarcastic

Why are you wearing that outfit again?

Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine

@iamkits

As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God

@OhDuarte

My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.

@emceej

Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.

@Shariv67

Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”

@Erin1137

*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*

**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**