[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
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There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Tastes like chicken.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
😜