if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
You Might Also Like
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong