me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
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Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
how high up are we talkin’?
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
My apartment is a mess, I should move
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.