If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
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sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?