Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
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You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
they really do be looking like this
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Perfect
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.