Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
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Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.