Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’

But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’

So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit

“Describe yourself in three words”

“Lazy”

Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant

My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?

I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.

*3yo’s birthday*

Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?

3yo: ok *blows hard*

Me: great job

3yo: great blow job

Me:

3yo: ?

Me: …. just eat the cake

Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.

My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.

No one

An atheist: I am an atheist btw

How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?

Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?

the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth

me: a lot of people are saying that

When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways

This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now

Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life

Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?

[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”

The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it

Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.

Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69

Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy

“How cute. You have smile lines”

Me: those are from clenching my jaw

Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.

Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.

My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.

Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.

*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*

M: I have never been happier in my life.

Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?

Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]

I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboy

On a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horse

I:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘ride

I’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive

Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.

Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios

Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???

Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*

HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊

[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG

ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.

ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.

ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.

ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.