[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
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There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Inside you there are two wolves
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
remember
only for emergencies
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.