casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
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What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Never ghost your hitman.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]