I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
You Might Also Like
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.