The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
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I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
titanic
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.