Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship

PIRATE: …Aye

ME: 😊

P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya

my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back

Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers

Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”

Alice: I’m late.

White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line

Alice:

White Rabbit:

Alice: *stares*

White Rabbit: oh shit

I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.

My background check bounced.

Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?

4 Year Old: Chocolate

Me: You really are my child.

The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away

The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.

This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.

From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?

Me: *nods*

me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg

me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie

Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.

I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend

what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince

The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.

[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?

Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️

Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet

Paul Walker *dies driving*

Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no

Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce

Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see

Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.

Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.

Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.

what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off

4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?

Me: It’s like writing his name on it.

4: So I-

Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.

today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time

Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.

She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..