I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
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Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.