Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
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Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water