my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
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Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys