*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
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Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
next question.
nature’s most graceful animal
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days