It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
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Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.