Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
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I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.