Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
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Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.