The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
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Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat