For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
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“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
people who dress up for flights who鈥檙e you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Valentine鈥檚 Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.馃檧
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 馃檨
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That鈥檚 not gonna fit, it鈥檚 way too big.
H: You鈥檝e said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don鈥檛 play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We鈥檒l return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There鈥檚 nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.