“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
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when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Breaking news:
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…