The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
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I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL