12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
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Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
who wore it better?
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
#parenting
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.