[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
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disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
doing your own taxes
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
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[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing