If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
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I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
somebody come look at this
🙄😏😂🤣
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.