i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them

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[Couples therapy]

WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.

THERAPIST: And you, sir?

ME: She’s always in a bad mude.


Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.


A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth


Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long


ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.


Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.


Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.

Pat: Thank you.

Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.


*first day as a vegan*

“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”


I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.


*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”