Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
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Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
won’t smith
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Me too
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.