How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
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If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
“HELP WITH CAT”
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead