*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
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*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting