Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
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I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones