I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
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BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
I’m having an out of money experience.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”