I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
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I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner