I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
You Might Also Like
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.