COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
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Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk