suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
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Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*