“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
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“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something