Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
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Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Goodnight 🐶
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers