If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
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Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
BaD BoY!!
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision