A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
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I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Real House Wines.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?