Plumber: I think I found the problem
You Might Also Like
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
12653.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*