Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
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I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women